The Medical & Psychological Issues Of Gaming’s Stars

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Character: Yoshi

Condition: Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Have you ever wondered why Yoshi wears boots, but no pants? It’s because the silly dinosaur can’t stop shitting himself. So legendary is his crapping ability, that the game Yoshi’s Island completely revolves around him throwing egg-shaped poos at enemies. I know what you’re thinking ‘he’s just throwing eggs, not feces’, well how do you explain the fact that male dinosaurs don’t lay eggs? Truthfully I can’t explain why his giant turd balls are that color, but that’s probably due to some other medical ailment. Maybe crapping egg-shaped, multi-colored shits is what really killed off the dinosaurs.

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Character: Tails

Condition: Polycaudal

Polycaudal means “many tailed” and Tails sure fits that genetic disorder. This sort of birth defect was likely caused by his mother’s insatiable cocaine addiction. After both of his parents died of a drug overdose, Tails was left searching for a Father figure. He’s grabbed onto Sonic to fulfill this role and despite Tails being much slower and falling into cliffs, he still chases after the blue blur. It’s worth noting that actual animals with polycaudal have never been known to use their multi-tails to helicopter themselves around. Keep that in mind before you throw one of the freaks of nature off a cliff side. Some Sonic fan artists seem to think that Tails has polycaudal just to fulfill his and Sonic’s kinky homosexual love affair. This is probably entirely true, but Sega has yet to have the balls to actually address it in a Sonic game.

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Character: Kratos

Condition: Vitiligo

Vitiligo is a depigmentation of the skin that is most well known for bleaching Micheal Jackson to a ghost-like skin tone. Like Micheal Jackson, Kratos thinks he’s bad and also has an abusive dad. Rather than take out rage about this condition on desperate women or molestable children, Kratos channels it into something more productive, like killing every living thing he runs across. Kratos tries to hide his bone white skin with cool tribal tattoos and really cool chain blades, but it doesn’t prevent everyone from realizing that he’d probably glow in the dark.

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Character: Max Payne (and countless other game characters)

Condition: Drug Addict

I think nearly everyone reading this has probably taken pain killers at one point or another. But an Extra Strength Tylenol Gel-Cap (those are so good) every once in a while, when you’re feeling brainily mutilated is one thing, but the way Max uses them is entirely different. Consider the fact that several times per level (which usually takes place over a few floors of a building), Max is popping entire bottles of pain killers. Not just one or two, or the “I don’t care what the box says” three or four, this guy is scarfing down bottle after bottle. The guy is so high, that he thinks everything is moving in slow motion, and he can’t stop having dreams where he walks on blood trails in space and repeatedly watches his wife die. It would be a little better if he was a fun addict, but if he’s not crying about his murdered wife, he’s putting a slug between your eyes.

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Character: Daxter

Condition: Furry

Normally being a furry isn’t a medical condition, but when the fur suit is real, it’s an entirely different story. Daxter started out as a sexually frustrated nerd who had no luck with women, and was generally hated by everyone else. He “accidentally” falls into a pit of Dark Eco and becomes a short furry ottsel. He must have known that all of the elf chicks were only rejecting him because they were sexual deviants, because as soon as he’s a furry, his luck with women changes. Sure, he still gets turned down a lot, but the makeout meter gets turned up at least a hundred percent from when he was a hideous elf. This lesson was bestowed to gamers by the developers, because they themselves are furries. That’s why they named the company Naughty Dog after all.

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Character: Bonk

Condition: Macrocephaly

When someone’s head is overly enlarged, it’s called macrocephaly. Considering that you could fit two to three Bonk sized bodies just inside his skull, he definitely has this medical condition. There is a sort of chicken or the egg situation happening here though. Does Bonk have a grossly oversized noggin because he bashes it into everything he runs across, or does he smash his head into everything because he has water on the brain and probably needs a helmet? It’s really hard to tell, given that cavemen all typically sound like grunting special ed students to begin with. Whether his head is enlarged due to birth, damage or disease, he angrily uses that bulging cranium to destroy everything in his path. It does make it sort of hard to make fun of someone’s appearance when they’re plummeting head first at you, and are certain to crack you in two. So it’s an effective defense mechanism, whether it be to keep emotional or physical pain away.

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Character: Gunrock

Condition: Erectile Dysfunction

Gunrock is a big guy, with a terribly embarassing name, given that he has boner problems. But apparently no over the counter solutions work for him, so he has to enter a fighting tournament and attempt to collect ancient Power Stones. Once he does that, he turns rock hard, but sadly, only for about thirty seconds. It appears that Gunrock’s ED is really bad, or he has stamina issues. While other fighter’s enter the tournament and harnass the might of the Power Stones to rule the world, or become invincible, he just wants to keep a woody (if you’re thinking Toy Story, you’ve misunderstood). Due to a misunderstanding of what he wanted though, most think he wants to collect the Power Stones to win at Poker.

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Character: Amy Rose

Condition: Erotomania

Erotomania is a mental disorder where the sufferer has delusions that someone is in love with them, despite the facts clearly pointing to the opposite. There’s no better example of this than Amy Rose. She’s been trying to get up on Sonic ever since she was introduced in the series, yet Sonic has spent more time signing an autograph for someone, than acknowledging that Amy actually exists. She still has her wedding dress picked out though, and is sure that Sonic just doesn’t show up to dates, or exhibit any sort of interest because he’s absent minded. I’m sureĀ  we’re only one or two Sonic games away from a Misery sort of situation, and when Amy eventually guts Sonic and wears his face as a mask, know that the signs were there all along, and none of you tried to help your speedy blue friend.

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Character: Birdo

Condition: Gender Identity Disorder

I’m not sure anyone actually knows what gender Birdo is, Birdo itself and certainly Nintendo don’t. Some games list Birdo as a man that wishes he was a woman, others list him as a woman, then later games list him as a man again! At one point Birdo convinced Yoshi that he was a girl and they had a torrid love affair, but shortly after Birdo revealed that he was in fact a man in the Captain Rainbow game. Yoshi was so emotionally impacted, that he didn’t show up playable in a Mario game for quite some time. In summery, much like several visitors of 4chan, Birdo seems to just be an attention seeking trap, with a mouth that is constantly shaped in an “O” due to non-stop muffler buffing.

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